In all honesty, I was a little hesitant to write my story for the Fetal Hope Foundation because it did not have a happy ending.  But after much thought, I realized that my story could help others cope with a loss and possibly provide some kind of hope.  Because I am human and dealing with the raw emotions of losing children, I had to really put a filter on my thoughts.  I had to weed out the anger and resentment in order to expose the hope that I have found today.  Instead of going into all of the details about my pregnancy, I will paraphrase my story in order to reveal my spiritual journey.   At 12 weeks the doctors noticed extreme swelling in one of the babies’ heads.  At this point we were given every possible terrifying scenario.  For four weeks we tried to go about our lives without any real answers until finally at 16 weeks we were diagnosed with twin to twin transfusion (TTTS) along with selective intrauterine growth restriction (SIUGR) in one baby.  TTTS is a rare condition found in identical twins where the babies share a placenta, causing difficulties in equal nutrition, blood flow, amniotic fluid levels, etc.  After seeing a specialist and undergoing surgery at 18 weeks to help save the baby girls, their health was finally showing signs of improvement.   Praise the Lord!  Unfortunately, the good news was quickly followed by pre-term labor at 23 weeks, and Rosemary and Sophie could not survive. 

These past two years have been such an emotional roller coaster for me.  I have experienced every possible emotion a human can experience.  I have been completely broken.  The sadness, anxiety, and fear were so overwhelming that I had to remind myself to breathe.  A great deal of soul searching had to be done this year because after losing babies I began to doubt everything I ever believed in.  I had been a Christian for about 22 years when I lost my girls.  I actually thought that God had protected me all of these years because I was faithful.  So when my prayers were not answered, I was in shock.  It felt like the breath had been knocked out of me.  It’s just not natural to hold your babies one day and plan a funeral the next.  So it was at this point I had to re-examine my life and what it meant to be a Christian. One can imagine the heartache a person experiences after losing a child.  Through my raw emotions and questions, my goal is to help lead others to hope.1)  Why did God take my babies?  2)  Will this grief end?3)  What is faith?4)  What does my future hold?  

1)  Why did God take my babies?  If you have ever lost a child, this is probably the first question that enters your mind.  In order to move forward in my journey, I had to realize that God does not take children, he welcomes them.  “Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”  Matthew 19:14.  You see, Rosemary and Sophie were never really mine to begin with.  We are all God’s children and we are put on this earth to worship him especially through our sufferings.  My girls never have to suffer like the rest of us.  They will rest peacefully with Christ and wait on my arrival.  Does this mean that I am not sad, angry, doubtful, or scared?  Absolutely not.  But my life can only move forward if I trust that the Lord will take care of my heavenly children while at the same time will take care of my life here on earth.   2)  Will this grief end?  I have also learned that God never promises us a life free from pain, but he does promise to be by our side.  He will never abandon you.  There have been many days when I have felt completely alone, like He has forgotten about me.  There are many difficult situations I faced and still face after my loss.  So my answer to Will this grief end, is I don’t know.  The feeling of sadness is still there but it’s not overwhelming anymore.  The most important thing I had to re-teach myself is that everything good is from God.  At the end of the day, I think of all the good things in my life: my loving husband, my precious 4 year old daughter, my amazing friends, etc.  The good news is the Lord already knows my heart, my needs, my problems and all I have to do is lay them at his feet, and He will carry those burdens for me.  My God is a compassionate God, and he holds every one of my tears in hands.  He hurts too and for some reason I find that comforting.

3)  What is faith?  During my self reflection, I have learned that if we always knew why we were suffering, our faith would have no room to grow.  And at least I can say that my faith is stronger today than it was a year ago.  “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”  Hebrews 11:1.  I think that walking in faith is sometimes like walking in darkness.  We are supposed to walk by faith, not by sight, so how do you do that?  For me, I had to give up total control in my life’s circumstances.   Let go and let God!  The hardest thing I had to accept was that my plan and God’s plan were not the same.  The more I tried to plan my future, the more disappointed I was.  When I finally accepted that the Lord is truly in control of my life (whether I like it or not), an unexplainable peace overcame me. 4)  What does my future hold?  I will say again that the anxiety I faced after losing the babies was overwhelming.  I worried mostly about the future and about things that never bothered me before:  Will I loose my husband?  Will I lose my only child?  Will I get pregnant again?  Will I lose that child?  After reading several books (I will list them at the end) I realized that if we are walking in anxiety, we are not walking in faith.  It is so important to live one day at a time and at the end of the day, just think…..I made it through one more day and good things actually happened today.  The uncertainty of the future can be a scary thing after a loss.  I have listed some of my favorite scripture/quotes that help me to live one day at a time.

■“So don’t be anxious about tomorrow, God will take care of your tomorrow too.  Live one day at a time.”  Matthew 6:34. 
■“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11.
■“Don’t let what you don’t know about the future destroy the joy God wants to give you today.”  Ecclesiastes 8:17. 
■I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.
The last subject I have really struggled with is What is my purpose here on earth?  Will any good come out of my loss?  I really had to turn the corner on this one.  I was so deep in my sadness that I was becoming self-centered.  I was letting my grief get the best of me at a time when I should be growing and learning.  I realized that there were families that really needed my help, but I had no idea how to make a difference.  Once again, I had to turn to the Lord to lead the way, and that’s when the Fetal Hope Foundation became a clear avenue for me.  

The Christmas after I lost the twins, I painted pink crosses on a mini canvas and hung it with pink ribbon on my Christmas tree.  After that I decided it was time to pursue my artwork again (a hobby that had been put on hold due to the busyness of life).  At the same time my heart was heavy for not helping others in similar situations, so I decided to invite some friends over for an art show at my house with one other artist.  We agreed to give some of the proceeds to Fetal Hope Foundation.  Well, due to overwhelming interests, within a couple of weeks my tiny art show had grown to 26 artists, 46 volunteers, and 63 silent auction donations (with the help of some very generous friends)!  The first annual Art for Hope was held at a local country club, and hundreds of people attended to support those families affected by fetal syndromes.  With generous donations and proceeds from artwork, we raised over $5,800 with less than a month’s planning.  Isn’t it amazing to see God at work?  Art for Hope was His listening, His loving, His doing.    My prayer for you is that through my spiritual journey of heartache, I have somehow provided hope for you and your family. “Grief without God’s presence ends in despair.  Grief with God by your side is no less painful, but ends with HOPE.”   My favorite books:1)  Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie:  My favorite on grieving the loss of a child.2)  God is in the Hard Stuff by Bruce and Stan.  My husband and I used this together for a quick devotional at night.  It is not specifically about grief but about all of the hard things we face in this world.  This book made me realize that everybody is suffering in one way or another.3)  Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow.  I love this book because it is not about grief but about finding contentment and peace despite your circumstances.